My Yoga Journey

I cannot recall who even introduced me to yoga, when I attended my first yoga class, or at which age I started practicing it.

What I do recall, is that around the age of 17 /18, yoga was my escape. I tended to feel overwhelmed at home. My family was loud, the TV was loud, and I didn’t exactly have many hobbies or go out much. So I would try to find the quietest space in the house that I could find, which either meant in the washroom upstairs or outside on the roof, looking up at the stars. I remember that yoga helped soothe the many emotions that were coming up for me at the time. I didn’t have much money, so I would follow a 1 hr yoga class off YouTube (shout out to the O.Gs, Yoga with Adrienne and Yoga with Kassandra). Sometimes I’d find myself crying at the end of the class , sometimes I felt a kick of happiness, sometimes I got frustrated at myself for not managing to do that one balancing pose. But all the time, I noticed I was more in touch with my body, my emotions, and what’s around me. I wasn’t necessarily in the beauty of nature, being on a rooftop in a random industrial town, but if I was outside, I could look up at the stars and watch them flicker. Maybe count a few, because someone once told me that If you count 20 stars before going to bed you’ll have a nice dream. If I found myself crying, I let myself cry, and let myself feel and express those emotions in my little safe space, where no one could see me, and I could safely be with myself. I remember back then, I did not feel any urge to look at my phone, to post anywhere, to get any particular message, to carry it with me everywhere. In the moment, I felt very present, but also acknowledged that overall I felt quite lonely, and longing for a community of like-minded people. Most nights, especially after doing a rooftop YouTube yoga class, I would go back to my room and journal before going to bed, helping me to process and understand my thoughts.

As I grew up and started being more financially independent , my life started to change. I’d go out to socialize more often, and I have quite a few drunk stories that are anything but sunshine and rainbows, oftentimes resulting in me becoming too drunk for my own good. At some point, I got a very clear desire to get away from everyone and everything that I know, and attend a yoga retreat. I must have been 20 or so at the time. And so, I browsed www.bookyogaretreats.com for a while, until I finally booked a yoga retreat in Bali (shout-out to FireFly Retreat in Bali, who offered the most beautiful and well-priced retreat). I was scared. I was going solo, to a completely different part of the world, and I did not know what to expect. Whenever I shared my plans with someone, I was told all sorts of horror stories, such as people being drugged and taken advantage of etc. but I wanted to go regardless. Leading up to the retreat, I was quite anxious about it, as you can imagine. But as soon as I landed and got my first shuttle bus with the friendliest driver to my overnight hotel, I knew I was going to be perfectly fine. Doubling down on that when I finally got to the retreat location, in the middle of luscious green rice fields, and then being greeted by a beautiful big blue butterfly on my bedroom window. We were a group of around 10 people, and a few others were also traveling solo, which made it easier to make friends. A gentle soul held classes for us in the morning and in the evening. We meditated together, breathed together, moved together, and let ourselves feel whatever came up together. There were some people who were going through some very tough medical conditions, others who were desperately burnt out, others who just wanted to chill out and do yoga with their best friend. Wherever we all were in our life, we connected through the power of yoga, we gave each other space and safety to express ourselves, who we were, what brought us there, and what we hoped to achieve by being there. One day we explored the city together, another day we went on a bicycle tour, another day we learnt about local traditions, and another day we cooked. We all left feeling honored to have met each other, and a slightly happier version of ourselves.

I was hooked. I was hooked on yoga, its philosophies, and the power of meeting like-minded people through it. I also noticed that the retreat helped me develop healthy habits. I’d meditate in the morning, identify mantras that I felt I needed, and repeated them. I’d also picture three people individually in my mind, and send their way a little message of love, which made me happy and literally physically smile, even if I was by myself, wondering if they somehow felt it. I particularly enjoyed sending these little messages of love to random people that I was not particularly close to. Someone I met at work that I know was going through a tough time. Someone I once met that I have not seen in a while. I kind of let my intuition guide me, asked myself a silent question of "who do we want to send love to today?", and went ahead with whoever came up, as random as it was. I love how as I am writing this, I am reminding myself to re-establish this practice in my routine. It’s crazy the difference in the choice of our morning routine depending on the context. We’re generally rushing to go to work, finishing chores, preparing breakfast or coffee, and it would never really occur to our minds to sit down and meditate and send love to people - ‘aint nobody got time for that ! But like anything, it’s a habit that can be built if you’re intentional about it. Perhaps not in the morning if you’re not a morning person. Perhaps as an evening ritual, part of your winding down without your phone distracting you before bed. Sending love to others teaches us compassion, reminds us that we are full of love and kindness, that anyone else could just the same be thinking of us and wishing us well, and it also serves as a subtle practice of gratitude.

Back to my yoga journey, I can’t say that I have many more retreat stories. None actually, until I got around to doing my yoga teacher training around 7 years later. In those 7 years, I got into a relationship that was tumultuous. Slowly slowly, I started losing touch with myself, with what I enjoyed, what I wanted to do, and who I was. My whole world started to revolve around this one person and what they wanted of me and within their life. I’d still return to yoga intermittently. I’d still get really sad or overwhelmed and find a little corner to be with myself, meditate, and breathe it out. I’d still follow a yoga class on YouTube when I wanted to feel a little bit more in touch with myself, and let the tears come and flow. At some point, I remember googling if it was normal that whenever I did yoga I got a little agitated or sad. I now realize that yoga was reflecting back to me exactly how I was feeling all the time but was suppressing it, as I was too concerned with keeping someone else happy.

At a certain point, things started to shift, I started to stand up for myself more. I started to desire change, and the idea of wanting to become a yoga teacher grew stronger and stronger. I am not quite sure why. I’ve always been extremely shy growing up, I feel uncomfortable when all attention is on me in a big group, especially if it’s a big group of new people I don’t know, and I never really practiced teaching or thought that I’d be cut out for it, as it makes me face my insecurity - going through this loop in my head that whatever I am teaching is not good enough, or perhaps that I am not relaying the right information. But I still felt this calling. To do my own practice, and to become a yoga teacher. Towards the end of the tumultuous relationship, I remember every now and then, we somehow started following yoga classes on YouTube together. The one time we didn’t quite find what we wanted, so I led a little “class” for us based on what I thought we needed. “How was it?”, I asked. “You’d be a good yoga teacher”, he said. As with everything, there’s always good to be taken out of a challenging situation or time period. That was one of the many other goods that came out of mine…because somehow, something super simple stuck with me, and gave me that extra little bit of confidence needed to entertain my desire of eventually doing the yoga teacher training.

And so, here I am. Finally, at a stage in my life where, although I still feel that I don’t have everything figured out, and that there’s lots more to discover and learn, I feel closer to myself, my inner voice, and my intuition. When I start to feel off, even though I won’t necessarily always feel like it, I get myself to practice yoga in silence or with some peaceful music. My body immediately knows. I get into my flow, I listen to what my body needs, I pay close attention to how each little muscle is reacting to my movement, and by the end of it, I always feel more in touch with myself, at peace, and trusting of whatever the universe has to offer. I’ve also been lucky enough to have people in my life who believed in me and pushed me to start teaching when I did not believe in myself. This led me to teach in beautiful outdoor places in Malta, by the beach or surrounded by dogs, teach my group of YTILI entrepreneurial community, teach at offices, and even host a yoga retreat in Italy.

If yoga calls out to you but you don’t know where to start, don’t overthink it, just try!

I love the phrase, “fart around and find out”, it’s become my motto lately.

What’s the worse that can happen ?

And if there’s anything I can help with on your journey - I am just a message away and always happy to help and/or listen <3